Comedy Club Time Machine

  • A microphone illuminated by stage lightsThe other day my friend was wearing a blue dress and a beret and carrying a box of cigars. I said,“What’s all that for?” and she said, “I’m applying for a job as a White House intern.”
  • Her boyfriend is so unsuccessful he makes Kato Kaelin look like Lee Iacocca.
  • Dan Quayle likes living in Washington, D.C. He’s just not sure how to spell it.
  • Jesus what a dump! Who’s your interior decorator–Billy Carter?
  • I was trying to catch a flight to L.A. last week, but I got there late and was still halfway across the airport when I heard someone get on the loudspeaker and announce the final boarding call for my plane, so I turned to the guy next to me and said, “Want to see my O.J. Simpson impersonation?”
  • “Your secret is safe with me or my name isn’t Linda Tripp!”
  • The definition of “chutzpah” is a boy who murders his parents then asks for mercy because he is an orphan. In Spanish the word is “Menendez”.
  • I wish I worked in the classified branch of the archeology ministry of the People’s Republic of China so that when people asked me what I did for a living I could just smile enigmatically and say, “Ancient Chinese secret.”
  • Henry Kissinger, Muhammad Ali, and Idi Amin walk into a bar and the bartender says, “What is this–a joke from the 1970s?”
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